Using humor to help handle adversity.
Patt Schwab, Ph.D., CSP
Several years ago I was a guest on the live Seattle, Washington TV talk show, "Tracy and Co." My topic was humor and stress. Twenty-two minutes after my appearance, the cast and crew were laid off and the show went off the air forever!
Having found out about this a scant 24 hours ahead of time, host Brian Tracy turned to me before we went on the air, and said: "Feel free to say whatever you want, after all, this is live TV. What are they going to do? Cancel us?" Determined to have fun with the situation, he began the program with the announcement that the cancellation date coincided with the sinking of the Titanic. (It did!)
Brian knew that humor does not belittle a serious situation; it helps put it into proportion. We discussed how people under stress often feel "paralyzed" - and how this very paralysis prevents them from effective problem solving and, in turn, increases their stress. We spoke of using humor to get the perspective necessary to handle adverse situations and even to take advantage of them.
My thoughts on the topic of humor and adversity crystallized nine months later when I received a call from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The Pittsburgh 2Day Show, on the air for eleven years and at the top of it's time slot, was being canceled -- would I please come and talk on their program!
Between the two events I was RIFed from a department I had worked for for 12 years. (Ok, that's the same as being laid off, but somehow RIF - Reduction In Force - sounds more like the way it feels!) Suddenly the issue took on new urgency!
The phrase, "When Hell Freezes Over - Ice Skate!" came to mind. I developed the word SKATE into an acronym to help explain the process of using humor to move beyond a painful situation. It is an effective model for any sudden loss: a job, a true love, an unfavorable management decision, or even a physical loss. (Five years ago I forgot the most fundamental rule of horsemanship: Keep the horse on the bottom! My horse reared over backward crushing me beneath her. The prognosis was that I would never walk unassisted again.)
Major adversity can be a genuine set back for anyone. I know, I've had it. The truth is, however, that we are not hurt so much by what happens to us, as by our response to what happens to us - and we are in charge of that response. This is what the SKATE model is about. Here is how it works:
1. S = Scream and Cathart
Bad things do happen - and to good people. While most of us know we will eventually learn to live with the adverse situation, that doesnÕt preclude feeling badly about it. If feelings of grief, anger, fear or self pity dominate your thoughts, it is difficult to problem solve effectively. Without effective problem solving the crisis is likely to continue or even worsen. Accept the bad feelings, indulge them a bit, so that you can move on. Catharsis is an underrated wellness activity - one that is a lot less expensive than a bleeding ulcer or heart surgery. So go for it!
Here are some ideas:
Yell into your pillow, scream in your car, kick rocks, hit something (preferably soft and unbreakable).
Blame yourself - wallow in your stupidity or incompetence a bit. Mostly, however, blame others - your parents, your spouse, your boss, the president. When you are creative enough to blame total strangers, you know you have arrived!
Go to a bar and host a Pity Party. Cry into your beer, strive to look and act so depressed that the bartender will ask you to leave at Happy Hour.
Indulge in violent exercise like racquet ball, where you can yell and, ideally, name the ball after some villain before you hit it.
Do, however, NOTHING that will have repercussions. You want a catharsis, not to create additional headaches for yourself!
You are hurt, you do feel angry or sorry for yourself. These are legitimate emotions. They must be acknowledged before you can move on. The more cathartic your release, the faster you will reach step two. The folks at Alcohol Anonymous say, "Self pity is like wetting your pants in winter - it gives you a warm feeling - but only for a very short time!"
After you discharge the initial pain you will find yourself introducing a bit of humor, perhaps only as sarcasm, but even that helps. Humor is nothing more than a sense of proportion and it will lead you to the next step.
2. K = Kiss it off - Keep your perspective
"Kiss it off" means to put some distance between yourself and the difficult situation. You need perspective in order to problem solve effectively. Humor is a marvelous tool for this purpose.
Here are some ways it can be used at this stage:
If there is a "bad guy" involved, write his name on the bottom of your shoe for a few days - that way you will know you are walking on him!
Make a salad - name the vegetables before you cut them up!
Draw a caricature of the evil doer, put it on the wall and play Pin the Blame on the Boss/Ex-Spouse/Whoever.
After you have achieved a little perspective you can begin to take a fresh look at the situation.
3. A = ANALYZE what went wrong and ACCEPT what you have to
What clues did you have? Did you know that your company was ripe for a takeover? Was your truelove playing Country & Western cheatin' songs and you were unsure whether the attraction was to the melody or the lyrics?
When I asked the hosts of the Pittsburgh 2Day show what clues they had had, they looked at each other and said, "You mean like four months ago when they took away the live audience?" I acknowledged that, indeed, that could have been counted as a clue. After all, even the Titanic had a band!
You need to accept the choices you made - even if they were lousy, head-in-the-sand choices. Taking ownership for what happened is a way of getting back into control. Individuals without a sense of control do not trust the options which are available to them. They continue to walk around with a chip on their shoulder, or a drink in their hand, or a snivel on their lips and never progress beyond steps one and two.
Did you choose a profession with a high layoff rate? Or one working with a frustrating bureaucracy? Is it a field like medicine or police work where you are likely to have to cope with tragedy? Did you injure yourself by ignoring a safety rule? For my part, I knew the horse that threw me had a habit of rearing. I was riding her to help correct it. I simply misjudged her.
Part of accepting what happened is accepting what you have to live with. In my case I did not have to accept my initial diagnosis of paraplegia, but I do have to accept a right leg that is slower and not always as easy to control as my left one. (I console myself with the thought that at least I know why I am going in circles!)
Think of accepting your choices as your "Response-Ability." You don't do this to blame or judge yourself - you passed that hurdle in step one. You take ownership for your choices because If you can see how you affected the decision, or colluded in the event, you will be able to avoid a repeat. You accept what you can't change, because that's the only way you can identify what you can change.
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